But should I even say I "got caught?"
Why? Due to my heart thumping in my ears, my ears open to any other sound and
my breath twice as fast as usual? Or maybe because the two evidences along with
three testimonies were enough to prove my “so-called” guiltiness.
Evidence 1, the "lost pumpkin."
Our family a garage full of pumpkins. Seeded in the spring, watered in the summer, picked in the autumn, and finally stacked in the winter. In to the garage they go, neatly stacked next to a single pair of red, polka dot rubber boots. Yes, single. Belonging to a single pair of feet, of which I call my "Cinderella boots." During the winter I started to “un-stack” the pumpkins. One for my pumpkin pie, the other for my pumpkin soup. One by one, they were gone; and the one I took, apparently, was the last one.
Evidence 2, the "empty account."
Just until last summer it was full. In fact, it was quite full, close to half a bill or "fifty green leaves" as my mom calls it. It was granted from the school in exchange for my first summer vacation in KMLA, teaching history to "potential global leaders" for two weeks. Recently was I informed that "that" money was all gone and not a dollar was left. A portion to buy the self rising flour, a bit more for the confectioners’ sugar, the rest for the butter, and my bank went empty.
Witness 1, 2, 3.
Every time I bake, my mom, dad and my sister are ready to testify against me. Accusing me of being guilty for not studying, or for not keeping my occupation as a student. Listening to their testimonies, the judges, my friends, teachers, counselors, or the college administrators, might find me guilty. They might say "She was a fool to have been baking for the last five years when she herself stated her possessions to become an engineering designer. She should have done the physics Olympiad instead!"
Well, now give me just a minute to have my final defending speech. "Dear honorable judges, let me ask you, would you dare to accuse Steven Paul Jobs, the owner of "Macintosh", for having taken 'calligraphy 101' instead of mechatronics in his short year at Reed? Or Leonardo Da Vinci for having drawn the Mona Lisa instead of working on inventing his hydrometer?"
And I dare to say "Without even the need to await your wise decision, this case is closed. Thank you for listening."
Evidence 1, the "lost pumpkin."
Our family a garage full of pumpkins. Seeded in the spring, watered in the summer, picked in the autumn, and finally stacked in the winter. In to the garage they go, neatly stacked next to a single pair of red, polka dot rubber boots. Yes, single. Belonging to a single pair of feet, of which I call my "Cinderella boots." During the winter I started to “un-stack” the pumpkins. One for my pumpkin pie, the other for my pumpkin soup. One by one, they were gone; and the one I took, apparently, was the last one.
Evidence 2, the "empty account."
Just until last summer it was full. In fact, it was quite full, close to half a bill or "fifty green leaves" as my mom calls it. It was granted from the school in exchange for my first summer vacation in KMLA, teaching history to "potential global leaders" for two weeks. Recently was I informed that "that" money was all gone and not a dollar was left. A portion to buy the self rising flour, a bit more for the confectioners’ sugar, the rest for the butter, and my bank went empty.
Witness 1, 2, 3.
Every time I bake, my mom, dad and my sister are ready to testify against me. Accusing me of being guilty for not studying, or for not keeping my occupation as a student. Listening to their testimonies, the judges, my friends, teachers, counselors, or the college administrators, might find me guilty. They might say "She was a fool to have been baking for the last five years when she herself stated her possessions to become an engineering designer. She should have done the physics Olympiad instead!"
Well, now give me just a minute to have my final defending speech. "Dear honorable judges, let me ask you, would you dare to accuse Steven Paul Jobs, the owner of "Macintosh", for having taken 'calligraphy 101' instead of mechatronics in his short year at Reed? Or Leonardo Da Vinci for having drawn the Mona Lisa instead of working on inventing his hydrometer?"
And I dare to say "Without even the need to await your wise decision, this case is closed. Thank you for listening."
First Draft Comments:
답글삭제This has potential to be a very creative essay that says a lot about you. However, how and why are you answering the question, “How did you get caught?” Are you providing your readers with “enough” evidence to move forward from start to finish without pause? Are your readers going to “get it”? I sort of get it, but I definitely want more to be satisfied. It seems as if you are framing the act of “baking” as a “crime of kindness” that your “victimized” family is forced to endure. The “traces” are evidence? I think you may want to make sure we know how you are using the word “traces.” We can have “traces” of flour and pumpkin seeds, but it is difficult to say we have traces of full stomachs. Clues, evidence, traces, forensics etc. etc. can be used in this “case” to reproach our lovely criminal who bakes. The concept is very creative and the tone of your essay is fun. However, it needs to be developed in order to tell a clear story (or in this case, a “case”). Perhaps use even more trial and law terminology to have more fun with the “crime” of baking. As well, you have to format this so it reflects the question of getting caught. Some of your sentences are too choppy and feel incomplete when they are so short. I know that this is part of your fun “tone” and style, but always make sure the sentence is complete and that the prose is clear. I look forward to a much improved draft that has a few more clues to help your hungry readers.:)
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Draft Two Comments:
First of all, thank you for including a picture! That is what the blog is for. It does a lot for the context of the essay. Bonus points for that.
Now, as for my suggestions in the first draft, I think you have used some of them and improved the essay significantly. BUT, the intro is still a bit abrupt, and I think we need to go further with the "crime" and the trial. At 415 we still have a short essay, and there is plenty or room for more fun and more evidence. The theme is still a bit vague and mysterious. However, it is creative.
As for "attention to detail," this is where you get into a bit of trouble. When I cut and paste this into MS Word, I see A LOT of red and green. Spelling errors galore. Even "pumkin."
Not a big deal, but I do take marks off for that.
All in all, an improved essay, but not towards its full potential. I do like your creativity and "fun" tone a lot though.